Porsche is one of those companies that has a shockingly vast selection of branded products designed to allow the Porsche owner to remind everyone around them they are a Porsche owner without having to constantly verbally mention that they are a Porsche owner, which probably will happen anyway.
There’s over 300 officially Porsche-branded products on their store, mostly things like key rings and hats and watches and sunglasses, so so many sunglasses, and even some colognes and perfumes so you can, presumably, smell like a Porsche. I’m picturing that heady aroma of oil and gas and that funny horsehair stuff they filled the seats with on a ’60s-era 356, but I suspect it’s probably something else.
But there’s a series of official Porsche-branded products that aren’t on Porsche’s own site, but are absolutely official, and have perhaps even more status and clout than anything sold on Porsche’s own pages. They’re also the most cynical of all the Porsche-branded crap, I think.
They’re the SMEG line of Porsche-branded fridges and toasters and coffeemakers and other kitchen stuff.
Are you familiar with SMEG? They’re an Italian appliance company notable for their high-quality, well-designed products and a name that makes the inner 9-year old boy in all of us laugh, because, lol, smegma.
The name doesn’t refer to the revolting “cheese-like substance” as one of my junior high school health books stomach-churningly referred to it, but is rather an acronym for “Smalterie Metallurgiche Emiliane Guastalla,” which has something to do with metal enameling and not any gross human body by-products.
Anyway, SMEG is a big deal in the rich-people-toast world, and Porsche seemed pretty excited by the collaboration:
“At the heart of this collaboration lies a shared philosophy: to craft objects that are not only functional but also emotionally resonant. Porsche, with its legacy of engineering excellence and motorsport triumphs, and Smeg, renowned for its iconic appliances and Italian design flair, have come together to create a collection that is as bold as it is beautiful,” says Stefan Büscher, CEO of Porsche Lifestyle Group.
And, okay, great, but I can’t get past that most of this “collaboration” is just slapping a Porsche logo on SMEG stuff:
I didn’t even notice the Porsche logo there at first. And while the color there is referred to as “Carrera White” to tie into Porsche, it’s still a white fridge. Who the hell even looks twice at a white fridge? That’s the traditional color of fridges. White cars sometimes even get accused of looking like a refrigerator, and I’ve never once heard anyone say a white fridge looks like it’s a Porsche Carrera.
There’s a toaster and a coffeemaker. With Porsche logos. This feels very phoned-in. Also, what’s with this picture? Did someone ask to have breakfast in the hedge maze? And then demand that their valet back their early 911 in the maze, too, so they can stare at it while polishing off half a loaf of bread?
The red line is a little more fun, I suppose, and it’s “917 Salzburg red” and the gumball with 23 in it pays homage to the 1970 Le Mans-winning Porsche 917, so, sure, that’s fun. But this is the extent of the effort attempted in this “collaboration.”
The reason I’m so salty about these appliances I will never, ever be able to own is that I’ve seen other SMEG collaborations that, while still pretty absurd, price-wise, feel special somehow. Their collaboration with Dolce & Gabbana, for example, delivered appliances like these:
Holy crap, right? That’s a fucking statement refrigerator! And look at this toaster:
Okay, that’s a beautiful toaster. No question, that toaster would get my attention. And this mixer:
And, yes, the prices are absurd, but at least you feel like this is more than a logo-slap. And the thing is, Porsche already has a history with delightfully-designed kitchenware! A while back I wrote about some incredible midcentury painted plates the Porsche factory used to give away to big machers:
Porsche owns the IP to these designs; why couldn’t they have gone the D&G route and made some really striking toast-making tools and other appliances?
Wouldn’t something like that have been so much cooler than just a lazy logo and stripe? It’s not like the toaster accelerates faster or hugs a curve with more grip or even burns the Porsche crest into the toast; it does the same damn thing as a $30 toaster from Wal-Mart. So it had better damn well look cool.
Oh, and one more fascinating detail: when I tried to take screenshots of the SMEG site, the window would go black! At least on my Mac: if you hold down shift and the command key on that site, part of the key combination to take a screenshot, the screen blacks out! Those little punks!
I found a workaround, but, damn, SMEG, calm down.
The post These Are The Most Cynical Porsche-Branded Things You Can Buy appeared first on The Autopian.
