Have you been looking for a way to make your next Hinge date ghost you without having to bring up religion or politics? Does your face look a bit like a new BMW M4? Did you personally identify with any of the male cast members on Jersey Shore? Well, good news. BMW’s M division has come out with a new line of fragrances.
Yep, welcome to the world of automaker-branded tat, things that look pretty on a shelf at a dealership but ultimately make it seem like the car you drive makes up a disproportionate chunk of your personality. As a general rule, if it’s functional in an automotive context, it’s okay. Keychains, umbrellas that fit neatly into a car’s umbrella pocket, travel mugs that fit into oddly sized cup holders … all that stuff is fine. Beyond that, however, things start to get cringey.
BMW calls the three scents 1972, 1985, and 2025, commemorating the 3.0 CSL, the original M3, and grilles that scare children, respectively. What do they smell like? Well, according to the marketing mumbo-jumbo, 1972 “opens with a vibrant blend of citrus and ginger, softened with delicate, fleeting notes, and ends with a warm, woody amber trail of vetiver.” Right. As for 1985, it “has elegant fruity top notes” while “A woody amber base provides a distinctive contrast.” Jump forward to 2025, and you get a cologne with “a Fougère heart note and stands out for its fresh and aromatic accords.” Not exactly Creed Aventus, is it?
Should you want one of the scents in a 100 ml size, you’ll be spending €85, or about $100. That’s one Benjamin to smell like a bellend [Ed note: Metaphorically, I hope – Pete], far too much money when fragrances are one of the few fashion-related things where the dupes are truly excellent alternatives to the real thing. Plus, imagine the reaction when you tell someone the fragrance you’re wearing is “BMW M.” It’d be like telling them it’s “beef” or “hammer” or “manly brick.” No thanks.
What’s especially wild is that this isn’t the first time an automaker has experimented with wearable fragrances. Not even remotely. Back in the 2000s, automaker-branded fragrances ran wild with scents like Hummer aftershave and Nissan 350Z cologne. As expected, they all ended up at Marshall’s posthaste.
There are many things you can buy for $100. A cooking class, several kilograms of neon sour gummy worms to keep in your pockets for emergency use, a copy of Baudrillard’s “Simulacra and Simulation”, a couple of garden gnomes, things that will make you more interesting, more informed, more whimsical, and possibly even tell you something about yourself. But BMW M cologne? Probably not it. Besides, most people with M cars people covet could probably use $100 toward their next maintenance bill. There’s no way to successfully work rod bearings into a pickup line, yeah?
Top graphic images: BMW
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